Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
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You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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