my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
