My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
