Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
