So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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