remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
