uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
