Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
