I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
