Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
