They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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