Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Im part way to drunk.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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