I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll