you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
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Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides