he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
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we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
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I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"