Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
