hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
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My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize