I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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