It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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