i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
