I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i don't like sucking hair
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
