Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
