There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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