I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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