how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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