Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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