If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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