On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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