my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
