Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
