mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
