ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
