Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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