the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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