Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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