did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
