Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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