Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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