I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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