I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We're too hungover to prance.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
