I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
