You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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