She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I party with great urgency now.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize