Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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