I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
