I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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