I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
