your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
