We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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