He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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