The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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