If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
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Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You ruined the universe
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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