My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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