Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
