My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
