Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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