Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
