cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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